On Establishing Facts

1. Establishing objective facts will usually not resolve a dispute. Objective reality is unlikely either to be the cause of the problem or the source of the solution.

2. Each side in a disagreement may contend that the other was at fault in causing the problem.

3. The key to resolution is not necessarily the objective truth but what is going on in the heads of the parties. The facts, even if established, may do nothing to reduce a conflict.

Selective Perception

1. Beliefs usually cause people to selectively view information — collecting evidence that supports their prior views and dismissing or ignoring it if it doesn't. This screening process has at least three levels:

Selectively remembering what we want to;

Selectively recalling what we remember;

Revising our memories to fit our preferences.

2. The more one becomes convinced of their views, the more information is filtered out that would lead to questioning them.

3. The more entrenched perceptions become, the more a person feels they are right and others are wrong.

Step Into One Another's Shoes

1. In any conflict people think and feel differently from one another.

2. The better one can understand the way others see things, the better we will be able to resolve differences.

3. Remember, in confllicts, feelings are usually more important than thoughts. Because it's a conflict situation, people are more apt to be ready for battle than for resolution.

4. Angry people often fail to hear what others have to say. And oftentimes when they do hear, whatever they hear is usually given the worst possible interpretation.

5. Understanding is not simply intellectual activity. One must create true empathy for the other person's feelings and position.