I. The Scenario

Suppose Bill, an employee, is in his boss's office. The boss says, "I think, Bill, that this is the best way to do your job." And to that, Bill says, "Oh Yeah?"

Boss's Assumptions

The boss assumes that he understands what Bill means when Bill says, "Oh Yeah?" so there is no need to find out. He is sure that Bill does not understand why this is the best way to do his job, so he has to tell him.

Assuming the boss is generally logical, lucid, and clear and presents his facts and evidence well, what does he do in this situation. Operating under the assumption that what is taking place between him and Bill is logical, he can drawn only one of the two conclusions: either (1) He has not been clear enough or, (2) Bill is to stupid to understand.

Boss's Reaction

The boss's first reaction is that he has not been clear enough, so he begins to "spell out" his case. If he continues not to "get through, he uses words of few and fewer syllables. He is reluctant to give up, so he continues to explain. What happens?

The more he cannot get Bill to understand him, the more frustrated and emotional he becomes - and the more his ability to reason logically is diminished. Since he sees himself as a reasonable, logical chap, he projects the problem on to Bill, concluding that he is uncooperative or stupid. This perception will affect what he says and does.

Boss Makes Unfair Judgement

Under these pressures, he evaluates Bill more and more in terms of his own values and tends to treat Bill's as unimportant, essentially denying Bill's uniqueness and difference. He treats Bill as if he had little capacity for self direction.

Boss May Have Good Motives

The boss does not see that he is doing these things. He is trying to explain to Bill why this is the best way to do the job. He is trying to be helpful. He is a man of goodwill and wants to set Bill straight. This is the way he sees himself and his behavior. But it is for this very reason that Bill's "Oh Yeah?" is getting under his skin.

Bill's Perception

"How dumb can this guy be?," is all that Bill will hear not the boss's good intentions. Bill will feel misunderstood. He will not see his boss as a man of goodwill trying to be helpful. Rather, he will perceive him as a threat to his self-esteem and personal integrity. Against this threat, Bill will feel the need to defend himself at all cost.

II. General Principles

The boss represents a very common pattern of misunderstanding. The misunderstanding does not arise because he is not clear enough in expressing himself. Rather, he misevaluates what takes place when two people are talking together.

Communication is Not Always Logical

His misunderstanding the process of personal communication is based on common assumptions: (a) that what is taking place is something logical; (b) that words mean something in and of themselves, apart from the people speaking them; and (c) that the purpose of the interaction is to get Bill to see things from his point of view.

These assumptions set off a chain reaction of perceptions and negative feelings, which block communication. By ignoring Bill's feelings and rationalizing his own, he ignores his relationship to Bill as an important determinate of their communication. As a result, Bill hears his attitude more clearly than the logical content of his words. Bill feels that his uniqueness is being denied. Since his personal integrity is at stake, he becomes defensive and belligerent. And this frustrates his boss who perceives Bill as stupid, so he says and does things that make Bill still more defensive.

Other Blocks to Communication

Bill will assess other aspects of his boss's position, behavior and character in deciding whether to talk openly. These are his perceptions of the boss's: (1) motives (can he trust him?); (2) power imbalance (creates a greater tendency towards initial distrust); (3) discretion; (4) consistency of behavior; (5) managerial competence; (6) pressures of time (listening takes time); (7) insecurity and fear (both may fear for their job and thus not open up, especially when they might believe their true feelings or beliefs may get them fired).

This assessment will not necessarily be accurate but nevertheless, these perceptions can block or help communication. If this assessment is positive, Bill will tend to respond to an active listening scenario.

The Dilemma of Hierarchy

Hierarchy creates a paradox. Though it is crucial for a boss to be able to listen non-judgmentally, to understand other points of views and get valid information, the essence of his job is to do the opposite, make judgements. Bosses must evaluate the success of their efforts. Often times they are evaluated on how well they do this. The danger, is that this bias for judging will subvert the boss's inclination to listen carefully. They may be tempted to resolve this paradox as an either/or. They must recognize that to make judgements you must suspend judgement.